The Crying List

The Snark Zone
Theryn Fleming

Beaver demonstrates how to show emotion through dialogue without piling on the adverbs.

In this one-sided conversation, long-suffering Daria provides a shoulder for Marla to cry on as she swoops through the following emotions: courage, curiosity, despondency, happiness, hopelessness, irritation, jealousy, longing, love, lust, misery, passion, pettiness, rage, regret, sarcasm, smugness, uncertainty, wonder and worry. (And no, they’re not in that order. 😉 Try matching them up!)

“God, Daria, that’s the third time this week I’ve got “JK” on my apple, it has to be a sign, Jason and I are meant to be together…”

“Oh, what am I saying, he doesn’t even know I’m alive.”

“Look at him over there, talking to his friends…doesn’t he have the most beautiful eyes you have ever seen? The first time I saw him we were in fifth grade… I saw those eyes and right then I just knew he was ‘the one’…”


“Daria! You’ll never guess what happened! Jason said Hi to me in the hallway this morning!”

“I can’t believe he knows my name! He knows my name, Daria! I was so in shock I could barely say hi back!”

“He is such a hottie!”

“What did he mean by it? Do you think he likes me? Maybe he just says hi to everyone. Could he maybe, possibly, just a little, like me? Do you think he might, Daria? Daria?”


“I’m going to do it. I’m just going to walk right up to him and ask him if he’s going to the dance.”

“Oh, God, Daria… What if he’s not going? What if he asks me why I’m asking? What if he laughs at me?”

“Oh, Daria! I asked him and he said yes, he’s going to the dance… with Crystal! ‘Crystal?’ I said. And he said, ‘yes, she’s my girlfriend’. Oh, Daria, she doesn’t deserve him! He should be mine!”

“‘We’ll see you there’ he said. See you there??? Is he kidding? I hate her, I hate her, I hate her! If she comes near me I’ll kill her.”


“Look at her all hanging off him like that! She is such a ho.”

“Daria, what do you think he sees in her?”

“Must be the big hair and that adorable store-chick purse with the feathered roach clip pinned to it.”

“If only I had said something to him when he first said hi to me…”

“I just want to die!”

“I’ll never have a boyfriend. Ever. I’m doomed to spinsterhood. Doomed.”


“He said ‘Hi’ to me again today. He’s all walking down the hall with his arm around her and he says ‘Hi Marla’ just like everything’s the bomb. Is he stupid or something?”


“Daria! Did you hear? Jason and that bitch Crystal broke up on Saturday night. I knew it would never last.”


“Oh, Jason!”


Beaver, our resident dam-builder, can be found at Ink in Unfailing Supply, Second-hand Dagger-proof Coat and Merely Conventional Signs when she’s not busy chewing down trees or posing for the nickel. She can be reached at beaver[at]

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